What would I do...

My M'Lynn, my baby, decided she wanted a Vilma experience (our exchange student last year) but we couldn't afford to send her with a real foundation so Leah, Ira's youngest sister, agreed to let M'Lynn come live with her and her family in Burr Ridge, Illinois. It's a small village suburb of Chicago. So yeah, there you go. M'Lynn and I left Saturday, August 18th, for the lovely road trip across Wyoming, Nebraska, Iowa and Illinois. I don't know what M'Lynn would say but I had a great time but I can say that 99% of the time I am with M'Lynn. She is really funny, fun, creative, silly, and real; all the things I like! :)

We got her out there in our little red honda, (which turned to 250,000 while driving there) and got her room all set up. Leah's husband Scott insisted she have her own room. I think he is a smart person. We finally got her into school on the third day of school. We had to wait for school transcripts to be faxed which of course takes 2 days...

M'Lynn is brave and she has put on a really brave face and taken the step into the dark. It's so hard at first. I remember clearly many of my "firsts", especially my first day in the mission field. I was so scared. Terrified doesn't seem to address my feelings on that day but 18 months later, everything I wanted and needed to learn, I had learned and I did it!! Like I've said before, "I CAN DO HARD THINGS!"

My favorite saying is, "What would I do if I weren't afraid?" and M'Lynn did it! She did the scary thing and she is succeeding. She is my hero and I miss her!

Things change...

Wow, it has been a long time.  Things have really changed and I know now why I was headed down that dark tunnel and what it took to get out.  It took work.  It took taking action and doing something.  I had been truly sitting home for 97% of my time on the internet and watching TV and my soul was dying while at the same time yearning to "do".  I believe in doing, in moving, in progressing.  Since I wrote last I got a job at PolicyTech, part-time and I enrolled in school; one class a semester and EVERYTHING has changed. I have changed!  My outlook on life is positive and happy and forward looking. One of the greatest miracles is that as I started back into school I was told by the University that I was going to have to basically start from scratch and that all the classes I had taken, 64 credits, didn't count anymore.  What a knock down but I could either just start again or not at all and where would I be next year if I didn't start at all, so I started.  After my first semester I went into the credit counseling center (or whatever the ^&*( they call it) and visited about where to go and through several steps I got a legitimate credit audit and what do you know but they accepted all my credits from earlier and I only needed one more class to get my Associates degree. What if I would have never started but let the monumental-ness of the situation stop me??  Miracles!

I haven't not felt this good about myself for a long time.  I am working hard at work.  I have been open and honest about what I want to do (and don't want to do) and they are working very well with me.  I am taking a  Math 108 class that is really hard for me but I am putting in the time and working hard and I love it!  I CAN DO HARD THINGS!!

Lesson: if you are in a slump and feeling horrible about yourself, others, life, whatever...get up and move!  Do something scary. Do something hard for you.  Do something that you've wanted to do.  It will help, if not, make all the difference and what ever you do is different from what others would do and they will be sure to let you know but you forge ahead knowing that it's your life and you can trust yourself to know what is right for you.

A couple of great quotes for this entry:
What would I do if I weren't afraid?
Life does not come with a remote, you have to GET UP and make the change yourself.

GET UP and GET MOVING! (Thanks Richard Simmons:)

Comparing and Competing (The beauty pageant that never ends)

INTERESTING!  Today I realized for real  (cuz I've said it before a million times that I compare and compete but this morning I believed myself) this time that I compare myself to others, almost on a moment by moment basis and it's deteriorating my self esteem and self worth.

From the time we are small we are taught from other siblings, friends, family, religion, school, the world around us, etc, to always be noticing the person who is doing it "right."  We have a gazillion examples around us of how we are supposed to be and yet the rules of "being" are arbitrary.  WHO MADE THOSE UP?  And who said that whoever made them was up was correct?  I'm with Elphaba, "I'm tired of playing by the rules of someone else's game."

When my happiness is based on whether people think I am doing the right thing (which is a million people thinking their way is right) my happiness is gone once I'm with another person which tells me that I have to decide my own rules and if I live by them, I will be happy.

So what are my life rules??

what have I learned...

This morning I learned that life is like getting caught in an undercurrent.  If I fight and claw to try and save myself I will drown.  I actually did that once and I almost died.  I finally gave up the fight and relaxed and was tossed a bit like a dish rag but was guided by the water to a safe place I could get out.  The Tao teaches that we must live without striving.  I believe that means to live in your own boundaries and not the worlds and to give up trying to control others and the world (which unfolds naturally and there is no way to rush it or stop it).  Giving up trying to please others or trying to control the way you are perceived.  It's also about not trying to control the outcome of life but trusting that God will take you were you need to be in the time you need to be there, just like spring flowers.  That takes patience but not control.  Patience is allowing.  Control is demanding.  I do not want to be demanding, of anything.

ready, set...

A personal blog is uncomfortable for me.  It makes me feel vulnerable, hence the title of the blog.  But being open, honest, truthful and naked is good (naked is good in specific situations).  Over the last while I don't like what I am becoming and so I am starting this as a way to document my adventure of discovery and change. I have studied, contemplated and discovered so much as I have vowed to change and it's been so great but painful and overwhelming. You are invited to come along if you want but take this as a warning, it will contain copious amounts of the words "I" and "me" and that's just how it is.  I am no longer afraid of the journey.  I welcome it with open arms, bare naked!  I love Lao Tzu...."the journey of a 1000 steps [words] begins with one step [word].  GO!