Comparing and Competing (The beauty pageant that never ends)

INTERESTING!  Today I realized for real  (cuz I've said it before a million times that I compare and compete but this morning I believed myself) this time that I compare myself to others, almost on a moment by moment basis and it's deteriorating my self esteem and self worth.

From the time we are small we are taught from other siblings, friends, family, religion, school, the world around us, etc, to always be noticing the person who is doing it "right."  We have a gazillion examples around us of how we are supposed to be and yet the rules of "being" are arbitrary.  WHO MADE THOSE UP?  And who said that whoever made them was up was correct?  I'm with Elphaba, "I'm tired of playing by the rules of someone else's game."

When my happiness is based on whether people think I am doing the right thing (which is a million people thinking their way is right) my happiness is gone once I'm with another person which tells me that I have to decide my own rules and if I live by them, I will be happy.

So what are my life rules??

what have I learned...

This morning I learned that life is like getting caught in an undercurrent.  If I fight and claw to try and save myself I will drown.  I actually did that once and I almost died.  I finally gave up the fight and relaxed and was tossed a bit like a dish rag but was guided by the water to a safe place I could get out.  The Tao teaches that we must live without striving.  I believe that means to live in your own boundaries and not the worlds and to give up trying to control others and the world (which unfolds naturally and there is no way to rush it or stop it).  Giving up trying to please others or trying to control the way you are perceived.  It's also about not trying to control the outcome of life but trusting that God will take you were you need to be in the time you need to be there, just like spring flowers.  That takes patience but not control.  Patience is allowing.  Control is demanding.  I do not want to be demanding, of anything.

ready, set...

A personal blog is uncomfortable for me.  It makes me feel vulnerable, hence the title of the blog.  But being open, honest, truthful and naked is good (naked is good in specific situations).  Over the last while I don't like what I am becoming and so I am starting this as a way to document my adventure of discovery and change. I have studied, contemplated and discovered so much as I have vowed to change and it's been so great but painful and overwhelming. You are invited to come along if you want but take this as a warning, it will contain copious amounts of the words "I" and "me" and that's just how it is.  I am no longer afraid of the journey.  I welcome it with open arms, bare naked!  I love Lao Tzu...."the journey of a 1000 steps [words] begins with one step [word].  GO!